Took a trip to campus and the Langhorne PA area today to tie up some loose ends and secure housing for myself and the boys. Financial aid/VA all set to go, reserved a decently sized 2bdrm apartment for well within my budget, AND found the perfect daycare. Both apartment and daycare are a 5 minute ride to campus, and the daycare isn’t going to require me selling my organs on the black market to pay for it. On a scale of 1-10 of awesomeness & success, I’d say the trip was an 11….the fact that one of my dear friends was with me and my afro was full of gorgeous ringlets was just the icing on the cake
The first daycare I checked out sent my Mama ThreatCon level into the red-and I didn’t even make into the building. A scan of the parking lot, outside play area and the miserable looking workers outside with the kids was all my gut needed to start screaming “NO, THIS ISN’T IT!!!” to my brain, who told my foot to hit the gas outta there. My neck has been killing me and that lump in my throat feeling was back with a pesky vengenance today. Ugh. Anxiety over all I needed to accomplish/look into today? Perhaps.
Angry (ie PISSED, ENRAGED). Embarrassed. Shame. Confused. Resentful. Disgusted. Betrayed. Hurt. Unworthy. “AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!” Add that all up and it equals the state of my emotions. And hearing these words: “I know it’s not under the circumstances you want/wanted, but…” only makes the intensity level of said emotions worse. (“So what are you saying? I’m the only one who wanted this? That’s how you’re going to spin it? Ok. FINE.”) But I’ll just keep squaring my jaw, taking the hits and keep going inspite of the pain. You know what they say, “you don’t know what you’ve got til its gone.” And I’m going, going…GONE baby.