The Hardest Self-Care


Today I’m so thrilled to have my dear friend Charity from Giggles and Grimaces stopping by ‘Confessions.  We “met” on Twitter via the #PPDChat Army and she is part of the circle of support I lean on when the days are bleak. She always has an encouraging word, wisdom to share, and can SEW HER OWN CLOTH DIAPERS. Simply put, she rocks and it’s my pleasure to have her share her heart with you……Please show her some much needed and support today with love and comments!

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My Dearest Patrice,

I recently embarked on my hardest self care ever…I am weaning you from breastfeeding so the doctor and I can get more aggressive with my depression treatment.

I have been struggling since you were born.  I’ve journaled much of my journey on my blog, www.gigglesandgrimaces.com.  Suffice it to say, the doctor in the behavioural health hospital wanted me to wean you at 15 weeks old.  I absolutely refused.  I found a doctor willing to treat me even though I was nursing you.

Mommy has tried to get better.  Really tried.  I’ve been hospitalized, been on numerous medications and doses and you have tolerated it all.  We have pushed the envelope and you have thrived.

But the time has come…

I have been seeing this doctor since December.  He has been willing to work with me, but he understandably has reservations about my medications with nursing you.  And what we can do is not working.

You are now 19 months old and are only nursing once or twice a day.  And mommy is not getting better.  Today, as I sat on the bathroom floor at work crying, I realized the doctor and I have to do something different.  He understands why I want to nurse you, I understand his concerns about increasing and changing my medication and what it could do to you.

Sweetie, I will miss nursing you.  I have nursed babies a combined 4 years and 10 months of my life.  I have been pregnant any time in between that when I was not nursing.  I cannot imagine next week when you do not nurse at all. And there is no new baby growing in my belly and heart.  I will miss you signing thank you and patting my face when you finish nursing.

I feel like my soul is being ripped out as I ponder this decision, but then I realize that soul is tattered, torn and disheveled and it’s only hope of getting whole and healthy lies on the other side of you nursing.

My dear Patrice, it is time for us to walk forward hand-in-hand, without nursing, as mother and daughter, no longer mother and nursling.  I pray you never understand depression, but that you will grow to understand how much mommy loved you to keep nursing and how much mommy loves you to stop nursing.

Love forever,

Mama

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19 thoughts on “The Hardest Self-Care

  1. Pingback: Hear my Heart at Butterfly Confessions | Our Giggles and Grimaces

  2. You are so strong Charity.
    I am so proud of you.
    You are doing everything you can to be well.
    Lea will love you just the same. You are a wonderful mama. Don’t let this illness or stopping breastfeeding define you. xoxo

  3. Charity, that is exactly it. You have done the best by Patrice and now you have to do the best thing for yourself so you can continue to give to her. You are one of the strongest people I know. Keep working on you and being transparent so we can support you.

    Love you!

  4. Charity, I’m sorry you have had to make this decision. I understand how difficult it is. I hope this next phase in your relationship brings you healing and relief. You have given Patrice an awesome start, and I know you can find a way to continue to grow together.

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