Let me just get this off my chest & out of my mind:
I’m disappointed today.
The first reason I’m disappointed is one I’m ashamed to tell you about. I turn 30 in 27 days…December 1st. I am very excited to turn 30 and usher in a new decade…a freer me who embraces life & the beauty of it, even when it hurts and my illness makes me want to escape from it. I felt like I spent so much of my 20′s surviving and detangling all the tangled knots & nasty junk from my past and I’m determined to make my 30′s a decade of celebrating the person who has emerged from all of that. I’m now a woman who is loving and accepting of herself, I recognize that I am so worth loving, and I have decided to pursue my passions: writing and painting. I want my 30′s to be about building a strong and healthy life for my family and possibly extending it (we’d love to have a girl and name her Austin Nicole), and enjoying the new city we already feel home in. There’s so much about turning 30 that is significant for me.
So here’s the thing: 30th birthdays are huge, right? Defining. Well, I wanted to celebrate my 30th in a certain way and due to a change in circumstances, it’s looking as though my grand plans aren’t going to come to fruition.
For one, I wanted to get another tattoo on my right forearm. Something that represents how I feel at this point in my life, and celebratory of who I am and what I’ve overcome. Well, due to a somewhat unexpected change in our financial situation, our budget has changed, which means we have less “free” moula to play with. So that tattoo money I was going to have to pay for my ink? It’s going to have to go towards our bills. In the grand scheme of things, I realize this is pretty frivolous and is a “first world problem.” I also know we’ll be fine and will make it through these leaner couple of months since we’ve adjusted our budget accordingly. But I can’t help but feel a little twinge of disappointment that I can’t do it on my birthday and will have to wait a few months to get it. Bertski says I shouldn’t feel this way and maybe he’s right. We’re fortunate enough to be able to cover our bills, (if just barely) even with this setback. So I’m fully aware that this is silly. I’m also okay with just having to find another, cheaper, simpler way to celebrate, which knowing me will be something like having a red velvet cupcake with the fam, even though it’s against the Paleo rules. (More on my recent change in diet in forthcoming post, stay tuned). So I can’t have what I want, and I feel ridiculous and ashamed to feel so disappointed about it, especially with all of the devastation so many others are facing right now.
Geez I’m an idiot.
Moving on…the second thing I’m disappointed about is more serious and a real thing to be frustrated and upset about. A month ago, I was sat in my primary care doctor’s office and listened to her tell me I’m pre-diabetic. She went on to discuss what areas in my life I needed to address to keep from developing type 2 diabetes, but all I heard was “no white flour,” which made me pissed because I’m addicted to flour tortillas, and “losing 15-20lbs.” Also? I was scared shitless.
I have kids, grandkids, and great grand kids I want to live to see grow and become amazing & loving people. I want to be that 85-year-old woman telling my grandkids what it was like to have regular cars instead of flying ones, and what life was like before people could do things like grow their own organs and switch their human parts for robotic ones. That last bit about growing organs and robotic body parts are things Bertksi tells me we’re not too far away from being able to do. Since he’s a tech geek who studies artificial intelligence, builds robots, believes in the Singularity movement and what’s stays abreast of what’s going on in the advances medical science, I believe him. I might think it’s all too much for my mind to comprehend, and sounds slightly scary, but I believe him, because, well, Bertski knows his shit. And his “being right” percentage is in the 95% range.
Anyway, hearing how high my glucose level was scared the shit out of me and gave me the kick in the ass I needed to get serious about my physical health. Over the past year, I had slowly started to try to eat healthier because my psych said it could help my mental health (not to mention be better for my kids). But let’s face it-I enjoy eating. And I eat pretty carb heavy. I indulge. I have a pretty disordered relationship with food. I have a very hard time walking away when my stomach says, “yo, you can’t possibly stuff anything else in here, so STOP.” I don’t listen. And I don’t have any problems with downing a batch of cookies, decadent deserts, Tex-Mex/Spanish food, you get the picture. My relationship with food is just out of control. And now I’m paying for it.
I walked out of that dr.’s appointment and started researching diets and talking with Bertski about ways we could change our eating habits as a whole family. We talked eating less processed, more whole foods, eating out less, and cutting our love for all things white. Out of all we looked at, eating a Paleo friendly diet seemed like the logical choice.
So. We started eating Paleo. We hit the YMCA nearly every day. I started running again. Like seriously running. And I found out a boy toy called the rowing machine. And guess what? For the first time in 3 years, my consistency with my new eating and exercise habits started making a dent in my weight. Quickly. Here’s a look at my progress:
Can you see where my disappointment comes from with this? Yea…that ankle. I can’t exercise for at least 2-3 weeks minimum and it will take me another few weeks to get back to being able to run 4 miles without dying.
I wanted to reach 163.5lbs by my birthday. I didn’t want to carry the weight of my late 20′s into my thirties. So I’m pretty upset this setback makes this goal unlikely. Once I’m able to, I’ll go back to running, yoga, and working out. But I just won’t make my goal weight by December 1st. AND THAT SUCKS! I know I’m more than my weight and a number on the scale. My self-love and health at every size perspective has taught me that. But the truth is, for me, being 180lbs isn’t healthy for MY body, and honestly? I’m tired of feeling heavy. That’s how I’ve felt the last 3 years and I’m ready to feel lighter and stronger again.
So there it is. The sources of my disappointment today. I’ll get over both, especially the first one. Definitely the first one.
Have you ever been disappointed about something you deemed silly or selfish? I can’t be the only one, can I?